Ask Amy: My co-worker is getting a little too ‘Single White Female’ on me (2024)

Dear Amy: I am a manager at my job.

Last June, a new employee transferred from a different unit. She was very upset the first couple of days. She also had a fear of reporting to her new supervisor (not me) because she thought she “looked mean.”

I explained how I manage and how our team works. She was appreciative.

She started bringing me breakfast in the morning. I asked her to stop several times, but she continued to bring me food gifts and other types of gifts, leaving them on my desk. This was completely unwanted.

Again, I asked her to stop, but this continued.

In December, she got promoted. I was elated because she would be gone from my area and I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.

However, she has started to visit my office when I’m not there and leaving me little gifts. Again, I asked her to stop.

Last week she made a surprise lunchtime visit to my office, which is in a totally different building on a different side of town.

She drove all the way over to where I work to “say hi.” I told her I appreciated this, but that I needed to get back to work.

She said she felt disrespected and then wrote me a very long email saying that she didn’t understand why we couldn’t be friends and was wondering why I keep rejecting her.

She also said she believes that I am intimidated by her and that I am jealous of her self-confidence, that I’m jealous of the things that she does, the way she carries herself, and the fact that she’s younger than me.

She has sent me notes and letters where she said that I’m very fragile, saying that she knew that I needed her to take care of me.

I just don’t know how to get this lady to leave me alone.

I’m a straight woman and not into her at all. I don’t need any more friends.

I feel like I’m being stalked. The sappy, needy emails and letters that she writes are just too much for me.

I am tired of this. What should I do? Should I go to HR?

– Manager in Texas

Dear Manager: Yes, you should go to HR immediately. You probably should have gone a long time ago. This person seems to be “single white female-ing” you (look it up) – becoming more manipulative and obsessive over time. You have attempted to get her to stop several times, and she has not respected your reasonable boundaries.

Print out every communication she has sent you and go to HR right away. You don’t know if she has behaved this way toward other people in the company, but her behavior toward you seems to have taken a menacing turn, and it is alarming.

Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. I really love her and we both feel that marriage is the logical next step. My problem is that I really worry about losing my freedom. This fear is really standing in the way of a proposal, and I wonder if this is normal.

– W

Dear W: Just because “marriage is the logical next step,” doesn’t mean that you should do it.

Marriage is illogical in many respects; for a lot of people, marriage is a truly exciting (and sometimes frightening) leap into the unknown. But it’s a leap they’re willing to take, because they’ll be holding hands when they jump.

I think it’s normal to be nervous about an extreme change in your life, but your fear of “losing your freedom” is telling. You should thoroughly and honestly assess exactly what losing your freedom means to you.

Free associate and write down a list – leave nothing out.

Seeing this list might help you to drill in and realize more coherently what is holding you back. And if marrying your girlfriend doesn’t feel right – don’t do it!

Unless you are truly excited about running headlong into married life with this one special person, you shouldn’t do it.

Dear Amy: “Concerned Uncle” accused his sister of raising “useless, entitled” children.

These kids are 10 and 7.

Useless? Have a heart, dude! They’re kids. Wait and see how they turn out.

This uncle’s job is to be a buddy and a role model.

– Nicole

Dear Nicole: Not to mention the fact that this uncle was passing his judgment from his perch as a long-term guest in his sister’s home.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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